Recently, I had to walk away from a relationship. I’m still heartbroken over it. We weren’t romantically involved but we were close for many years. With this heartache, I have learned something very revealing about myself and my relationships with others.
Hope…it is a dangerous thing, you know…it keeps the nearly dead even alive. When I try to meet guys, I try to find a guy whom I have connection with also physical attraction. I have this pattern of when my relationships end poorly, I have a hard time letting go and moving on. I am aware of this and I understand how toxic it can be for me and for others.
The point to all of this is to acknowledge that I need to heal the hope I had. I need allow myself to grieve the loss of something that was never going to happen. At the same time, I need to acknowledge just because I was hoping something was going to happened doesn’t mean it would.
What I need to do is move on with my life. I need to not worry about what could happen or what I want. It’s time to focus healing the hope. The hope is what keeps it alive. The hope that maybe some day it’ll work out or he’ll show up at my door or call me up. Hoping for that big gesture.
I’m not going to let misplaced hope drag me down. Instead I will use the time to find a connection with myself again. Everything will work out. I will work on myself one day at a time. I was talking to someone the other day about dating and they asked me why I’m struggling with meeting new guys. I told them that I don’t feel attractive enough for the guys I’m attractive to and that I don’t try hard enough. Or I go to the extreme and I don’t know the balance yet.
There are some things I would do differently in my life. I do struggle with fatigue some days. Not necessarily laziness but my body is just not in the mood to do what I need to. While I lack motivation some days. I would like to work on my appearance so I look more well groomed as though I have respect for my hygiene. And I would like to lose weight to show respect towards my body.
But hope, man does cause a lot of heartache for me. It’s not the same as expectations. Hope does not have a specific outcome instead you can hope for a better future, it doesn’t give you insight to what that intel. I would like to change up my life a little bit more along with my relationship with myself. As some would say live a little.
Hope…it sure is a powerful emotions that can linger on. ****
I have created a video with a voice over, being able to let my emotions out in a creative outlet is such a stress reliever. It also helps me to get it out into the world as though I’m not alone and that it’ll be out there forever.