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Changing My Mind

Over a week ago, I ended a six-year relationship. I’m still processing through the heartache. I love him and I always will. He was the first person I was ever truly intimate with. Call me naive but I always thought if you loved someone then you should be with them. But as I have discovered it’s possible to love someone and not meant to be. I have foolishly denied my feelings instead of accepting them. Maybe it’s out of fear of embarrassment or further heartache.

What’s helped me this past week is acknowledging that well I loved him, he is incapable of loving me the way I deserve or even want. It was a movie screen story for me while for him it was just a story to entertain himself when he was bored. This imbalance is the most troublesome. I read online that its recommend to write the things you liked about yourself when with him and the things you didn’t.

I loved how he made me feel comfortable. I was able to say whatever was on my mind. I loved our chemistry. It was pretty amazing. I loved when he was proud of me. We also liked to try new things even though we seemed to have lost that. I loved the way he used to look at me. There was a time he would look at me like “I’m glad she’s here.” I could feel it. I miss those days when he didn’t care about life getting in the way of what he wanted. I don’t know something about him changed but was the same. It was like all of his bad flaws ampfilied.

What I didn’t like was the lack of communication. The double standards. How he spoke to me. Expected me to available whenever he was but refused to schedule anytime together. He would balantly ignore any pleads I had for him to stop. He would expect the world from me while expecting to not have to give anything in return. It was a relationship of why buy the cow when you are getting the milk for free.

In the end, I realized that was it. Our relationship was only going to keep making me feel ashamed and lost. A feeling of incomplete. I love him very much but I have no interest in being with him again.

I am working on myself as always, and I’m so close to being the person I want to be.

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