The Battle between Head and Heart

I have to say I’m coping a lot better than expected. Eight years of internal turmoil coming to end is a weird feeling to sit with. I’m coping through music right now to help my brain from wondering but I catch it every once a while today.

There’s a battle going on between my head and heart. My brain wants to tell my heart that he didn’t love me, it was all smoke and mirrors to feed his own ego. Then my heart wants to be like no he did love you it may have not been the way you wanted but he did. The tug of war is why I’m trying to keep myself from breaking down.

If I immerse myself into the music, it blocks out the noise. If I stop the music, reality comes back. I’m going to take the weekend to work through my emotions because there are a lot of unresolved issues that I am trying to put to bed. I won’t be able to resolve them so I need to find a way to close them without the proper closure. If I keep playing the music, there will be distance and time added.

I’ve avoided this emotions for the past seven years for a reason. All I did was add to them. The main harmful thought I’m trying to push out of my head is about how I wasted my life. Breaks up suck and exes suck.

We all have our own way of getting through rejection. Mine just happens to be going down a rabbit hole of music and pretend the world doesn’t exist. Going into the hole and come out a better version of myself. This will be the first time in eight years I’m actually going to go through it. The licking of my wounds and gaining my strength back.

I think it’s interesting in how I grieve. It’s almost like I do better on my own with grief. I’m not sure if that’s sad or not but I manage.

It’s only been three days and I’m hoping after like a week I don’t have this fog over me. It’s the battle between my head and heart that causes this. It’s the end and its a new beginning. The pedal game of he loves me, he loves me not.

I think what’s the hardest part is knowing I’ll never see him again.

It’s not fair to love someone who doesn’t love you. What a cruel tragedy. If I ignore it will it all fade away?

Life goes on, whether you want it to or not. Time is the one thing that we don’t have.

I thought he was going to be the love of my life. Instead he was the train. I kept running to the light at the end of the tunnel thinking it was a better life but it was the headlights of the train.

He’s probably happier without me anyway. He probably hasn’t even thought about me. He probably would hear my name and be like “who?” My absence probably has no baring on his life what so ever. And that’s the worse part of it all. I’m over here trying to work through it while it didn’t even touch him.

I’m a mess and there’s a battle between my head and heart. I’m ready for next week after I’ve work through it all.