When I was 21 years old, I met a boy in class. We embarked on a roller coaster of emotions that would span over eight years—a cycle of ending things and becoming friends, on and off. I wish to share this story because I believe it holds a valuable lesson: not to sacrifice for someone who doesn’t reciprocate your feelings. There are no rewards, no successes, and time lost that can never be reclaimed. I struggled mentally for this man, at times doubting if I would survive. I often felt unsafe.
Yet, I always believed I loved him, thinking he was the light at the end of the tunnel, only to realize at times that the light was a train coming to hit me. He was always hot and cold, seemingly avoidant. I repeatedly tried to convince myself that I was the problem, that I was just being anxious or dramatic, belittling myself to make it work. My brain and heart battled each other endlessly. I wanted to believe in love so desperately.
He broke up with me several times, citing school and his future. Despite my intuition warning me otherwise, I believed him, hoping he would be there for me when it mattered most. Even during our darkest hours, I convinced myself he would eventually be there to start a life with me.
I tried to ignore the feeling that it was him against me, to be the person he wanted without betraying myself. I couldn’t give up who I was for a chance to be with him. I wanted him to love me for who I am. I tried so hard to love him while at war with my soul, thinking the heartbreak would be worth it in the end.
Eventually, we reached the end, and he said no to us. My only regret is that I fought for someone like him for so long. I could criticize him, but frankly, thinking about him is exhausting. I finally realized, “he wasn’t the one, he wasn’t good for you, he was not the person you loved.”
I feel liberated as if I’m in remission. He should have either been there or let me go a long time ago. In a single moment, he ceased to exist in my life. If I wanted to, I could pretend he never existed. Nothing in my life reminds me of him. What’s the saying, “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?” I wish I could say that.
I found closure when he didn’t show up when he decided he didn’t want to start a life with me. I can almost hear him saying, “I already told you I wasn’t open to a relationship with you,” trying to absolve himself of any responsibility.
I feel like I just finished a marathon, coming in last place. I’d rather move on with life as though he doesn’t exist. I think that’s the big next step. After all that he put me through, I think the greatest thing for me is to pretend he didn’t exist and move on with my life. To not look back. He can’t touch my life anymore. He’s gone, he’s a ghost. He’s nothing. You can’t love someone who doesn’t exist. I’m never going to see him again and he has no problem with that so why should I?
He turned out to be every bad thought I had to convince myself he wasn’t. He was the awful person people kept telling me. He never loved me.
As my favorite song sings, “We’re only taking turns, holding this world. It’s how it’s always been. When you’re older you will understand.”
a Friend or Foe 
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